It’s my pity party and I’ll cry if I want to…

My rational mind often tells me that loneliness is a choice.  And deep down I know that when I feel as if I am on some secluded island while the rest of the world is partying on the mainland it’s only because I took the boat over myself.  At this point in time, however, when my “plus one” is in a war zone and pretty much unavailable, it’s pretty damn hard to ignore the deafening silence that comes with single-dome. 

The problem is, I’m not single.  I can’t fill the void with some shameful sex-capades or go on a series of horrific blind dates in order to forge some sort of connection with another human being (not that any of that sounds even remotely appealing). Instead I have to be ok with an ample amount of “me” time, or playing voyeur to all those relationships that have sprouted up around me when I do go out with friends.  Both tend to be a little exhausting.  (I suppose this might be how nuns feel- while they are waiting to join forces with the big man upstairs they have to be ok wearing a chastity belt…)

 It’s a strange sort of limbo that I find myself in.  I am comfortable with and completely used to going “stag” to events, and don’t require an escort if I decide to meet some friends at a bar.  I have learned when to say “when” and go home alone when being around crowds is too much to handle.  But then when I get an invitation to a work party and quickly realize that I will have to scrounge for an available and completely platonic “plus one” I remember how much I miss having a significant other that resides in the same area code.  And that just sucks.

 Part of me knows that I will look back years from now when my hair is sufficiently dyed to cover the gray, and be grateful for how strong all of this has made me.  My life experience will tell me that these trials made me independent and allowed me to bring the most complete version of myself into a healthy relationship.  But as I sit here alone on a Saturday night feeling particularly pathetic I’ll forgo all those grown-up insights and throw myself a good ole’ fashioned pity party.  And yes, you all are invited.

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12 responses

  1. 😦 I know how you feel. It’s no fun when the only sort of date I get with him is through a crappy skype connection and I see 10 loud marines in the background or on a horrible sat phone line that disconnects 9 times out of 10. I have to keep telling myself it’s only 4 more years, then he owes me for my 29 palms imprisonment. Hehe but I’m right here with ya and soon you’ll be living out here again with all us lonely wives 🙂

  2. party of two, please?

    sigh. i’m sitting here on valentines day with my cat, waiting for an email i know might very well not arrive until way after i’ve fallen asleep tonight. going places alone, explaining where he is, learning to value “me” time, it’s all par for the course of being a milwife.

    i thought of you tonight, just so you know. i hope you’re doing a little better today. xo

  3. I did long-distance with one guy for two years, and then my current boyfriend for three months at the start of our relationship.

    It does suck, and the reunions might be fabulous but they don’t make up for the time apart.

    Stay strong!

  4. Ah… Kayla my love… Being his sister I can only imagine to a degree. I in no way could do what you are doing or any of the military wives and girlfriends. I too wait for phones calls, and emails, hoping to catch him on facebook. When those things aren’t happening he is constantly in my mind. You are constantly in my mind.

    Nick and I are so proud and hopeful for you both in this very delicate and lonely time of seperation. We often talk about what it would be like in your situation and hands down agree that we could not do and be away from the one we love most.
    You and James have been given a huge opportunity to find out what your relationship is all about , and how strong it is. I truly believe if you both make it through this you can make it through anything.

    As being james’ sister I have seen how James has changed and grown throughout the years. Going into the military has changed James to his very core. He is now the man he always wanted to be. He is a man that he can be proud of. He is a man that will love you forever. He is a man you would love forever. Together you both would have a fabulous and lovely life together. This small bit of time will only appear to be a notch in the road of life. You will look back and be greatful for the opportunity to truly see what your love and relationship was made of. In turn you will be greatful that it was the way it is. You then realize that this life has more to do with fate and Destiney than you realize. Every single decision has led you to this point. You and James will only have to decide how the journey goes.

    You should come and see us this spring! I’m healed from everything so you won’t be stuck inside with me. It would be so good to see you. I would love to have you even if James isn’t home yet. Oh but he is required to come stay and be reunited with us as well as you too! We miss u both dearly.

    Love you sister,

    Alexis

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