Yes, I Eat My Feelings

Lately I’ve been stuffing my feelings down with copious amounts of artery clogging fast food style burgers and early morning milk shakes. I follow this by an alcoholic beverage or two and a desert sweet enough to wash it all down. Needless to say, my lethargic body hates me. With a passion.

Despite my naturally small (and by small I mean short) size, and a metabolism that leaves me starving come 5am, I have always had an up and down relationship with food. It’s not all that strange given the fact that I’m in my early 20’s living in one of the most superficial countries in the world. But I’m smart enough to know that more often than not I treat my body as if it were my worst enemy- one I’m trying to punish with a slow and painful death. Ok, maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but you catch my drift.

It took me twenty years to finally warm up to the idea of exercising because I tend to avoid all things that I don’t think I’ll be good at. I was even able to skirt those pesky P.E. requirements in high school by offering to help with the special needs kids. Seriously. Then a few years later and fourteen pounds heavier, I decided that my small stature would inevitably leave me looking like an oompa loompa if I didn’t tweak my habits.

Yoga proved to be my saving grace in the effort to stay zen while kicking my ass in to shape. But despite my dedication for those few months and my success in convincing my body that anything was possible, I stopped. Cold turkey. I could say that I got too busy (lie) or that it became too expensive (truth with a little lie mixed in), but the truth is, like many things, I just stopped caring.

After nursing my post-Sonic stomach ache this morning and brooding over how large I felt, I had a fleeting moment where I realized how counter productive my actions were in creating a healthy, happy existence. It’s not about the numbers, it’s about being in tune with what my body is telling me. And unfortunately, I put a muzzle on it a while back.

My life has changed drastically in the past few weeks, and my celebratory eating (yes, my preferred bonding experience is over hot dogs and chocolate chip cookies), has turned into avoidance eating. I have felt my career begin to lose momentum before fully taking off, and filling in the voids of ending an old routine and beginning a new one has made food look oh so appealing.

I’m excellent at setting intentions. I’ll say, quite matter of factly: “Come Monday I won’t be eating donuts the size of my face or topping a heaping plate of nachos off with a margarita. Nope, I’ll be munching on tofu and snacking on almonds.” In reality, come Monday I’ll be setting a new intention for a later date while ordering some more french fries.

All things in moderation, I know. It’s not about depriving myself of the foods I actually enjoy eating, it’s just depending on food more for sustenance than entertainment. Or comfort. And that is far easier said then done.

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5 responses

  1. Omg! I’m the same way exactly at this very moment! I gained ten pounds in a few weeks! I’ve been struggling with some serious health issues again…after a very brief stint at normalcy…I’m off the wagon of sweets! Dognuts, candy, gallons of icecream, cake, cookies….you get the idea. I decided to throw it all out and start over, make it fresh and new from the inside out. Pillates, yoga, small portions, six meals a day, with no sweets-Vegatarian style! No more meats! I stopped eating meat six months ago and I lost sixteen pounds in three weeks! Starting tomarrow! I’m right there with u!

  2. I used to feel this way all the time, eating as if I was using the food to fill in something that was missing. But I slowly realized that filling myself up with the good stuff and the healthy foods made me feel better about myself which caused me to change my attitude which brought more positive blessings my way.

    But I still crave Taco Bell sometimes.

    Best,

    Hannah Katy

  3. If you are 50-100 + overweight, as I am, then you are a “food-a-holic”…It means that food gives you comfort, happiness, reward, or something that makes you keep overeating to the point you can’t bend over anymore. If the Good Book says to: “Eat to live, not live to eat”, then if you do indeed, live to eat, I believe your life is unbalanced. It occured to me one day that I was lacking variety in my life (BOREDOM)….I ate out of sheer boredom, loneliness, and occasionally stuffing down hurtful emotions…Here’s a cookie, feel better syndrome….I am this year, 2011, trying to reverse my bad eating habits. No more couch potato, no more food for activity, no more feeling I just can’t lose this weight!!! I can and I know I can. I’ve done it before. There is no magic potion! Move more and eat less! That is it! Oh, and love yourself enough to JUST DO IT!!!!

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